It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
