are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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