he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think I sprained my soul last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
