Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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