Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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