You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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