im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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