Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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