This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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