i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
