2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
