What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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