and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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