Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
