I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.