You're completely useless in the revolution.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
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Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
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there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?