it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life