nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I wish there were birth control emojis
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.