im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
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I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing