the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
that is very illegal...i love you.
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