____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
