My sheets look like a crime scene.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
