I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
my liver is dry heaving
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