i barfeds in our rink
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she told me i tasted like america
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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