Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
