are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
