I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
