2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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