Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
