my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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