just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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