Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
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We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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