Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
