I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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