we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
