i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
