i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
