I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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