and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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