You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
