Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
