He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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