Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
