Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
