I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
