Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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