Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
