I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We just shotgunned beers for America
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
