This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
