I'm laying in your front yard are you home
zippers are such a cool invention
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
