I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
