Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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