are you still at the devil's house?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
i think my cat just said my name.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
