He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
