Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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