also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
